He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY

He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN

He is not BALDING – He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER – He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION

He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT – He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED ORGANISM.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED -She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

She does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – She INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

"I can't find it."

Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"It's a guy thing."

Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"

Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."

Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."

Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."

Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."

Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."

Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"You know how bad my memory is."

Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I'm going fishing."

Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."

Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"What did I do this time?"

Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."

Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You look terrific."

Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."

Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."

Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."