- Experience is something you get just after you don’t need it.

- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

- A day without sunshine is like, night.

- On the other hand, you have different fingers.

- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

- I feel that I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

- I wonder how much deeper the ocean could be without sponges.

- Honk if you love peace and quiet.

- Remember half the people you know are below average.

- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

- Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains.

- Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

- Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

- He who laughs last thinks slowest.

- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

- I intend to live forever . .  . so far so good.

- The Army are gentlemen trying to be officers; the Navy are officers trying to be        

   gentlemen; the RAF are neither trying to be both.

- Borrow money from a pessimist . . . they don’t expect it back..

- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends.

- Quantum mechanics the dreams stuff is made of.

- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

- Support bacteria, they are the only culture some people have.

- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

- For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

- No one is listening until you make a mistake.

- Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

- The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

- To steal an idea from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles .

- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

- Two wrongs are only the beginning.

- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

- The sooner you fall behind the more time you will have to catch up.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign or a bad memory.

- Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

- Get a new car for your spouse it will be a great trade!

- Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

- Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand ...

- Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

- If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.