Director of Naval Officers’ Appointments (E)(SM)

Second Sea Lord & CINCNAVHOME

Victory Building

HM Naval Base

PORTSMOUTH

PO1 3LS

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling mountains and skiing couloirs. I have been known to remodel submarines in my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate staff requirements for the PE, I write award-winning articles for Navy News, I manage time efficiently.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike sincerity, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook a boiled egg in 3 minutes. I am an expert in Black Adder, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

I enjoy urban parachuting. I am the subject of numerous DCI’s. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair oscillating fans free of charge. I never cheat at squash. I am a fearless canoeist. Under pressure, I rely on chirpy optimism, I never panic. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I am an abstract creator, a generous tipper, and a ruthless gigolo. I once turned down an offer from London Zoo for my trouser snake, lounge lizard and tent rhino. Critics world-wide swoon over my original line of walking shorts. I can defecate and ski at the same time.

I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Last summer I toured Barbados with a traveling libido. My eyebrows have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic. I have exchanged groins, advised the UN, and won the Nobel Peace prize in 1994 for my amusing anecdote on uses of the unemployed. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down.

I once read FLAGO’s, QRRN’s and the Koran in one day and still had time to complete an entire attic conversion that evening. I am a legendary Kart racer. I know the exact location of every food item in the kitchen. I have performed several covert operations for 14 Int. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I am the special person in my life. I am an unstable extrovert, a whisky connoisseur and the perfect son. While on holiday in Africa, I donated a kidney to save the life of a young Massai girl; then had sex with her.

I have made extraordinary four course chicken meals using only a candle and a toaster. I breed prize-winning clematis in my roof garden. I have won the Cresta in St Moritz, tennis matches in Wimbledon, and friends worldwide. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, I have survived Shuttlecock, and I have spoken with Elvis.

BUT I HAVE NOT YET GONE TO SEA AS A WEO !