Considering that we were reading this in Banff, Canada at the start of a 2 week skiing holiday, the chances of Andy meeting both commitments seemed a tad unlikely ! Talk about double-booking ! (or is that double-crossing ?  ed. ) 

Much groveling by Andy ensued but we managed to get our act together and we eventually flew out to visit Paul in Brunei on Thursday 28 September for a 2 week sojourn.   After a weary flight, we arrived at Bandar Seri Begawan airport, cleared customs and directed a stocky baggage handler, resplendent in his spotless white uniform and gold-ladened cap, to look after our bags until Paul arrived.  Aaaargh, faux pas - it was Paul !!

We managed to pass it off as a deliberate spoof and before long were in Paul's house, sipping a beer with 15 minutes to spare until we were due to catch a ferry to Labuan (an island off the coast of of Brunei belonging to Malaysia).  Whereas drinking, gambling, drinking, prostitution and drinking are banned in Brunei; they are actively encouraged in Malaysia.  I could now see the point in rushing !

We checked into the Waterfront Hotel (5*) and enjoyed our first (of many) dips in a tropical swimming pool.  The next day, we headed out into the South China Seas with Borneo Divers and we dived on two fabulous wrecks - the Blue Water Wreck (100') and the Cement Wreck (90').  Conditions were fantastic (visibility >15m) and although a few of us got 'jelly-fished', it did not detract from a great dive.  Unfortunately, both Paul & I had consumed a significant quantity of nectar the previous night and while the oxygen cleared our heads during the dive, the boat trip was extremely character building !

After a good 'opener' in Labuan, we headed back by ferry to Brunei and our first game of golf.  Needless to say, one set of clubs between 3 ; no socks ! (Andy) ; shirt untucked (me) did not inspire the members with much confidence.  What followed can only be described as course redesign - Paul actually played one ball off the tee which ended up behind him - and Andy sliced a later drive shot into the Pro's house, sensibly deciding to play 3 off the tee !  Match play seemed eminently sensible. 

With barely enough time to re-pack, we headed to the airport & flew to Kota Kinabalu (Malaysia) to start the main objective of our trip; climb Mt Kinabalu (4089m / 13,067ft), the highest mountain in south-east Asia.  Pausing only to drop off our spare kit at the Pan Pacific hotel, we jumped into a taxi & headed to the start of climb at a mountain resort.  After a restful night, we started the climb at 0900.  Even at this time of the morning, the humidity and temperature were very uncomfortable.  It was a quite relentless slog through the jungle.  In addition to the humidity, I struggled with the altitude and after almost 4 hours of 'stair climbing in a sauna', made it to the upper refuge hut and a welcome break (just before the heavens opened).  

We set off at 0330 the next morning after managing minimal sleep.  Surprisingly, I felt a lot stronger and after a final 3,000 ft climb, followed Paul & Andy to the top.  After the jungle, it felt very cold and we were disappointed not to see the sun rise over Borneo.  However, our disappointment was short lived as the mist cleared and we were treated to some fabulous views.  However, the worst was still to come - as we dropped down to the mountain resort - 4 hours of jarring descent - the inescapable certainty was that the mountain was exacting it's revenge on our legs.  

Wet, tired and longing for a bath, we dozed our way back to the Pan Pacific Hotel.  After the obligatory bath and food, we headed to the hotel health club for a massage in a forlorn bid to fend off the inevitable.   The masseur took no prisoners and it took great effort on my part not to cry out.  If this was the UK, she would be facing a 3-5 stretch for GBH.  

By the next morning, all our legs had seized up and rather than the 3 Amigo's, we looked more like the 3 Goons.  However, we did have 2 days R&R to recuperate.  On one day, we visited the nearby island of Sepi where we snorkeled, canoed around the island and generally chilled out.  Late afternoon saw the weather change dramatically, and the return boat trip to the mainland was a real roller coaster through a heavy, swollen sea.   I'm sure that was the day a young Japanese couple found God.

All too soon we had to fly back to Brunei.  What met us was a power cut, no running water, a fallen tree in Paul's garden and a most rancid smell from the now defrosted fridge.  Time to move on.  The next day, we drove south along the coast to Miri (Malaysia !) and booked into the Holiday Inn, where we again had a quiet night !  Next day and another flight.  This time in a small 14 seater Piper aircraft which took us to Mullu National Park, deep within the Borneo rainforest.  The Park is home to the famous Mullu Caves - described as the eighth Wonder of the World - the Pinnacles of Borneo but more importantly , the Royal Mullu Hotel  . . . with pool.

After meeting Wayne, our guide, we walked about 3 km through the jungle (on a raised footpath !) to the Deer Cave.  At 120m high and 100m wide, it is the largest cave passage in the world and can accomodate St Paul's Cathedral 5 times over.  However, the Deer Cave is perhaps more famous for it's bats - it is home to several million - and just before  sunrise, they fly out of the cave in unison before disappearing into the night sky like a black cyclone.  Very impressive, but the smell of over 100 years worth of bat guano in the cave  reminded us all of Paul's fridge back in Brunei. . . 

We heading back to the Royal Mullu for a well earned dip & beers.  Next day, we had our first trip in a Longboat as we headed up the river to visit the Wind Cave and the Clearwater Cave.  Again, fantastic, but this time the water permeating the limestone rocks produced exquisite and massive rock formations - stalactites, mites, pillars, waterfall etc.  Think of Cheddar Gorge & multiply it by 50.  However, the best was still to come.  Wayne, recognising our natural sense of derring do, asked us if we wanted to take an alternative route back to the river.  What followed was nearly 2 hours of pot holing through some tight fissures, massive chambers which our torches could never penetrate and the ubiquitous 'swim' through some narrow tunnels.  Daylight brought us out a few hundred yards from the river - absolutely exhilarating.   We treated ourselves to a quick dip before it was back in the longboat and heading deeper into the jungle.

We got as far up river as we could.  Then it was a 6 km trek to Camp 5, the deepest camp in the Park.  It was during this trek that we all got 'leeched' by the little buggers.  Resembling thin black worms, approx. 2-3" long, they would wait on leaves until they felt the vibration of approaching animals (us).  Then they would hold themselves upright and if we brushed passed them, they would attach themselves to us.  Then it was feeding time and they would swell up with our blood.  If we could spot them before the feeding frenzy, then they could be plucked off . . . otherwise it was time to take up smoking.  Little bastards.

After we made it to Camp 5, the intention was to trek the next morning up to the famous granite Pinnacles, standing some 50 m high.  With no air conditioning and no rooms, we were open to the elements for what can only be described as one of the most uncomfortable night of our lives (against some pretty stiff opposition).  Next morning, the weather turned out to be unfriendly so Wayne suggested we return to the caves for more pot holing.  A plan even Baldrick would have been proud.  Kicking the leeches aside, we made it to the river and headed  downstream in the Longboat for another fantastic pot holing adventure.  

While in the caves, Paul warned us against urinating while we were in the river.  Apparently there were Cantelabra fish which could detect the urine and would swim up the urethea before setting up home.  Not pleasant.  Andy then remarked that it must be like having a smear test !!! . . . . . . . . In summary then Andy, what you are telling us is that something you have never experienced, is slightly less painful than something else you have never experienced.  Paul then passed me a piece of 4" by 2" and we administered the very necessary correction.

Time was running out.  We flew back to Miri, jumped into the car and drove all the way back to Brunei.  We popped into a shopping complex to pick up some obviously pirated software and music CDs before returning to Paul's house for the final night of the trip.  Our last day in Brunei was something of a milestone for Paul.  We decided a final game of golf was de rigueur.  With Andy making his usual disparaging sounds we tee'd off.  I can happily report that Andy played like a spastic (no offense to spastics) and did not manage to win a single hole.  However his 9 off the tee at the 17 hole was impressive.  Paul 's milestone was that he broke 100 on one of the hardest golf courses in Borneo.  BZ.

Back to the house, to the Royal Brunei Yacht Club for dinner before our final goodbyes as the curtain came down on yet another adventure.